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How to Write a Condolence Letter

A written expression of condolence is a powerful, loving gesture.

It is becoming a lost practice despite its unique ability to provide comfort. It is worth the effort.  Writing allows you to carefully reflect and craft your loving message.  This is an expression of what you want to say, the sentiments you want to share.  Form and format are clearly secondary.    Once you have your thoughts, feelings and memories in focus, you might use this format to help put them into a structure.  Perhaps this format will help stimulate your thinking and organize your thoughts.

  1. Acknowledge the loss. Note how you learned about the news.   Indicate dismay at hearing about the loss.  It sets the purpose and tone of the letter.
  2. Express your sympathy. Don’t hesitate to use the word death.  Share your own sadness to remind them they are not completely alone in their suffering.
  3. Note special qualities of the deceased. They may be special attributes, personality characteristics, contributions.  Remind the bereaved that the deceased was appreciated by others.
  4. Recount a memory about the deceased… how the deceased evoked your appreciation, affection or respect; how they touched and influenced your life; humorous incidents.
  5. Note special qualities of the bereaved…strong feelings of inadequacy often surface and the bereaved can beel shaky about their own basic abilities. At the time, it can cause them to doubt their most basic abilities.  And their usual capacity or self-appreciation and self-love.  Remind them of their traids that serve them through adversity in the past such as resilience, patience, competence, religious devotion, optimisim or trusting nature.
  6. Offer assistance…This is not a requirement. If there is a genuine desire to help, make a specific offer. The numbness of early grief can often blank out the general offers of help.  Once offered, be sure to follow through.
  7. Close with a thought word or phrase.

Suggestions:

  1. My affection respects to you and yours.
  2. My affection respects to you and yours.
  3. Our life is with you always.
  4. You are in my thoughts and prayers
  5. You know you have my deepest sympathy and my love and friendship always.
  6. My heart and my tears are with you.
  7. We share in your grief and send you our love.
  8. We offer our affectionate sympathy and many beautiful memories
  9. My thoughts are with you now, and I send you my deepest sympathy.
  10. We all join in sending you our heartfelt love.

Sample: When you knew the deceased:

Dear Keith

  1. Acknowledge the loss.

My heart ached when Tim called this morning and I heard the news of Ruth’s death.  Though not unexpected, the final word was still felt as a blow.

  1. Express your sympathy

Words seem so inadequate, but with this letter comes to my heart filled with love and sympathy on the loss of your beloved wife.  I loved her too.

  1. Note the special qualities of the deceased.

Ruth was a vibrant, talented, caring woman and dearly loved by everyone whose life she touched.  But for me, she was even more.  She was a rare and cherished friend.  Through our friendship, my vision of beauty and possibilities of life grew.

  1. Recount a memory about the deceased.

As I write, flooded with precious memories, I am recalling the day when Ruth and I were driving to the cost for what we thought would be a lazy afternoon of beachcombing.  Instead, we had a flt tire.  You’ve never seen a pair of more fumble-fingered, crease covered laughing clowns than we were that day, but we did it!  And we made it to the beach just in time for a glorious sunset.

  1. Note the special qualities of the bereaved.

I know you will miss her deeply, but I also know that you recognize the blessings of the beautiful years you shared.  You were always a source of strength and courage to Ruth.  I recall her once saying that your love of life and enduring optimism brought her closer to God.  I trust these same qualities will help support and guide you during this oh-so-difficult time.

  1. Offer assistance…This is not a requirement.

You know you have my sympathy and my friendship and I would be grateful if you would turn to me for any help I might give.  I’ll call this week end to see if there’s anything I can do.

  1. Close with a thought word or phrase.

My prayers and thoughts are with you

Sample: When you didn’t know the person who died

Dear Keith

  1. Acknowledge the loss.

This morning Mr Moore told us the sad news of your wife’s sudden death.

  1. Note the special qualities of the deceased.

I extend my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.  The loss must touch you very deeply as you face these first numbing days of grief.

  1. Note the special qualities of the deceased.
  2. Recount a memory about the deceased…

Although I never met your wife, I was always impressed with the loving mention of her in your conversations.

  1. Note special qualities of the bereaved

While our relationship has been largely in the office, I have seen you handle challenging situations time and again.  During this difficult period, I know you will draw on these same deep personal resources so many of us have come to respect and admire. 

  1. Offer assistance…This is not a requirement.

During your absence, we will address your…………………

  1. Close with a thought word or phrase.

Keep in mind that this office is filled with people who care about you and are thinking about you in your sorrow.

Sample: The most famous of all condolence letters

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the war Department a statement of the Adjutant-General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.  I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming.  But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the republic they died to save.  I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours very sincerely and respectfully,

Lincoln

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

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What to Say When Someone is Grieving

How to hone your consoling skills:

The Art of Consoling Conversation:  swift to hear, slow to speak.

The silence of listening has a clear message, “I’m right here.  I care and I’m with you.  I’m not sure what to say, but I’m ready to listen”

Real listening comes from the heart because that is where sympathy and healing begins.  It’s a silent way of sharing in the moment but is also a way of helping the bereaved to find their own solutions.

The best things you can possibly say:

Frequently people avoid mentioning the deceased on anniversaries and other special occasions, thinking it will cause sadness and depression.  Talk about their partner and continue his memory.  There is a comfort to survivors knowing that their lost ones are not forgotten, that their past life experience is valued.  Remember the birthday of their partner.  Remember anniversaries.

Healing conversation starters:

  1. I’m so sorry.  Was your father ill for a long time?
  2. I am at a loss to know what to say, but I sense how difficult this must be for you.
  3. I have been thinking about you and wanted to know how/what you’ve been doing.
  4. This must be a bewildering and incredibly complicated time.  It must be very hard for you (and your family”
  5. What its like for you these days?  How are you coping?
  6. Do you feel like talking for a while?

Suggestions for positive communication:

  1. Perhaps another time…if they aren’t ready to talk or it’s not opportune.
  2. Listen without judgement… people are still sorting out their thinking and feelings
  3. Focus your attention…eye contact, lean forward, nod
  4. Avoid interrupting
  5. Maintain a positive outlook…mention the positive qualities and strengths about them
  6. Rational answers are irrational…Death can never be explained away with logic.
  7. Suggestions are better than advice.
  8. Share, don’t compare, experiences.
  9. I’d like to do something to help…give me a job.
  10. I can only imagine how hard it is/how awful you feel.
  11. I miss him, too.
  12. Spend Sunday with us, we’d love to have you.
  13. I remember when…tell stories about the person who has died.
  14. He’d be really proud of you.
  15. I’m going to take the children out for the whole day.
  16. You’re doing a great job.
  17. Shall I come round and bring dinner with me?
  18. I’ll do the driving.
  19. I’m so very sorry.

Top things NOT to say to someone who’s been widowed- and why

  1. I know how you feel.  (You don’t unless you’ve been widowed…and everyone is different.)
  2. At least he had many good years. It’s a blessing in disguise. (She is now alone.)
  3. You’re being so brave.  (She’s not.  She’s just getting on with life.)
  4. Call me if you need anything. (She won’t be able to.)
  5. When my dad died, my grandmother got cancer, I was divorced etc….(It’s not the same.)
  6. Don’t cry; try to keep control of yourself.  (Everyone grieves differently.  It takes longer than you’d expect.  She’s not enjoying it.  This is not her choice.)
  7. You should be resting, taking it easy, being kind to yourself. Don’t do anything for a year.  (There are still life demands.)

Tears…

“If There’s Anything I Can Do…How to Help Someone Who has been Bereaved” by Caroline Doughty, White Ladder Press, Britain, 2007  (insight and suggestions for helping widows with young children)

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

Tears…The chemistry of tears is distinct to stress.  It’s an intense physical release that’s needed at the time. The etiquette of tears is NOT handling the tissue or handkerchief.  This rush to stop the process is more about the discomfort to the observer and only adds more stress and embarrassment to the tearful one.  Best is to just sit quietly through the moment and let him/her work through to conclusion.   Placing

The etiquette of tears is NOT handling the tissue or handkerchief.  This rush to stop the process is more about the discomfort to the observer and only adds more stress and embarrassment to the tearful one.  Best is to just sit quietly through the moment and let him/her work through to conclusion.   Placing a tissue or such nearby makes it available but doesn’t make a subtle request that the flow stops. Someone mentioned “The 8 seconds of grief” that happens with time.

Someone mentioned “The 8 seconds of grief” that happens with time.  Spurts of grief can swell despite the passing of time and are expressed in an 8-second experience.   I noticed this little phenomenon with the passing of my mother.  Something would touchingly remind me of her.  I would tear up and it would pass. I didn’t dissolve into a messy puddle of emotion.  The emotion would swell up and, in roughly 8 seconds, it would subside.   Just go with the moment without fret.  We are emotional beings with heart.

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Grieving is a Natural Process of Life

What is grief?

We do not choose it.  It rather chooses us.

It’s not a one-time event.  It’s a road we must travel on.

It doesn’t follow clock time. It adheres to deeper rhythms.

Regrets are common, thoughts of incompletion and unfinished business of struggles unresolved.

These are illusory, clingy thoughts, but you can’t wrestle them to the ground and stamp them out.

As they emerge, you can see them, and let them go

And do that each time they come back to visit.

Each of us has our light, that is what makes us loving and loveable. Each of us has our dark places, how we grapple with fear and pain-what makes us unbearable, at times even to ourselves.

Each of us has our dark places, how we grapple with fear and pain-what makes us unbearable, at times even to ourselves. We have our griminess and our glory.

We have our griminess and our glory.  But what are we, really?  We are neither.

But what are we, really?  We are neither.

We are not any of those parts.  We are all of those parts.

So, when you think of the loved one who has passed, embrace the whole person.

Resources:

Frank Ostaseski of Metta Institute as reported by Barry Boyce, Mindful Magazine, August 2016, pg 10.

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Widows Have Many Kinds of Friends

How to Help a Widow.

  • Be a sensitive friend… Understand the new context of your friendship.
  • Don’t disappear because she isn’t anxious to connect.
  • Be mindful that you might have to adjust your actions to help her adjust to her changed world.

There’s a different way at looking at almost everything.  It requires a lot of effort to address the new and emotional pain of dealing with loss.

New friends who don’t know your partner.  They help you move on with new interests, new attachments and personal growth.

Couple friends with social history…These folks can be comforting and reassuring.  It can also be hard to watch two people live and grow together in ways you never will.

Married friends who aren’t getting along well.  It’s painful to see their conflict when you experience loss.

Divorced friends who share a sense of loss but who deal with negative dynamics.

Well-meaning family solutions:  “Hey Mom, Here’s an idea!  Spend more time with the grandchildren!”  Caring for kids requires an outflow of energy and stamina. Babysitting is work!  Brief visits with children can be good reminders of life worth living.

Resources:

“If There’s Anything I Can Do…How to Help Someone Who has been Bereaved” by Caroline Doughty, White Ladder Press, Britain, 2007  (insight and suggestions for helping widows with young children)

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The Compassion to Help Others

How can you help others when they are grieving:

Educate yourself on the nature of grief.

Realize that no one can replace or undo the loss.

Be available do something rather than the right words may not be that important.  A physical touch might be the right connection.

Listen without giving advice.  As a culture, we want to “fix it”.   Reflective listening is reassuring.  It is a gesture that they are heard.

Be patient, kind and understanding without being patronizing.

Be there later, when many friends and family members have gone back to their routines.

Keep promises to “call you for lunch” or “drop by to see you.”  Good intentions without follow-through may be perceived as a lack of sincerity or caring.

Remember holidays, birthdays and anniversaries that have important meaning to those who mourn.  Honor the individual who has passed to keep the memories and meanings alive.

Allow the grieving person to express all and any feelings, including anger or bitterness.  Remember that some people will not or cannot talk about their feelings.

“How are you doing today?”,  “Does talking about Jim help or hurt?”

Resources:

“If There’s Anything I Can Do…How to Help Someone who has been Bereaved” by Caroline Doughty, White Ladder Press, Britain, 2007 (insight and suggestions for helping widows with young children)

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

“When a Spouse Dies, What I didn’t Know about helping myself and others through grief,” by Barbara R Wheeler, DSW, Plain Sight Publishing, 2012.

“Transitions, Making sense of life’s changes” by William Bridges, Lifelong books, 2004.

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Resting or Being Stuck?

There are times when resting is healing.  There are times when resting turns into becomes stuck.

Stuck is a control issue.  Stress causes a sense of powerlessness so our minds go into a heavy-duty control mode.  Holding tight to what is known feels safer.  To let go might feel like powerless chaos.  Our minds trick us into thinking that by holding on, we are in control of something we cannot control, like the loss of a loved one. It takes conscious choice in dealing with reality.  Control is actually letting go.

Self-awareness:

  • Has self-preservation turned into self-absorption?
  • Who am I really?  Am I extremely intolerant of others response to me?
  • Do I demand sympathy? Do I have difficulty with anything new?
  • St Francis prayer:  “Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can.”

Resources:

“If There’s Anything I Can Do…How to Help Someone who has been Bereaved” by Caroline Doughty, White Ladder Press, Britain, 2007 (insight and suggestions for helping widows with young children)

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

“When a Spouse Dies, What I didn’t Know about helping myself and others through grief,” by Barbara R Wheeler, DSW, Plain Sight Publishing, 2012.“Transitions, Making sense of life’s changes” by William Bridges, Lifelong books, 2004.

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Restocking your “Coping Chest”

Attend to yourself; attending to others is possible but very difficult

Being kind and tolerant to yourself is more healing than self-criticism

Exercise lifts mood, releases stress but does not solve the issues.

Busy is a helpful distraction from the pain.  Balance the pain with a counterweight of quiet time to do the inner work.

Journaling…Write it out.  Get it out.  Look at your thinking.  It’s a physical method for inner work.

Music can be comforting.  It can be warmth that nourishes the soul.

Accept help from others. Grief is a lonely place.  Allow others to learn, grow and prepare for their own grief by sharing your experience. Seek a support group.

There is no best way:  It’s our personal responsibility to manage our pain.  Each of us is ultimately in charge of our own healing.

“When a Spouse Dies, What I didn’t Know about helping myself and others through grief,” by Barbara R Wheeler, DSW, Plain Sight Publishing, 2012.

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Awareness in the Moments of Grief

There is a succession of stages yet each experience has its own internal logic.  Each person works their way through these tasks in their own way in their own time.  They often ebb and flow, revisit

There are five primary goals or tasks in the grief process that flows from denial to being calm and settled:

Accepting the finality of the loss.  Buried in this stage is our sense of safety and survival. The loss feels like fear.  It looks like brain fog: the inability to think well and focus attention.  It’s the sense, “I am totally alone.  It’s all up to me.”

Accepting the painful thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the process of mourning.   Grief is a time when every aspect of the relationship with a loved one is felt, examined and reexamined including experiences, hopes, feelings, thoughts and memories. It’s the realization of what was and what will be no more.

Reclaiming and redirecting the love energy once focused on the lost relationship.  It means letting go.  This energy is needed to again find a place in the world and to develop new relationships.

Reviewing and crystallizing memories of the deceased.  The dam of memories breaks and the mind searches the past to make sense of the experience.  Initially, the mind buffers itself with positive images to cushion feelings of regret, guilt and anger at a time when one has little ability to cope.  In the natural progression of healing, this review eventually becomes more realistic and balanced, containing both positive and negative recollections.  Gradually, an image of life with the deceased is created.

Selecting memories to incorporate in the fabric of life going forward.  Through the process of remembering, replaying and integrating, one becomes her next self by adapting and changing in behavior, self-perception and expectations.  The goal is adapting to an accepted changed state:  “This is who I am now.”Healing is hampered by resisting the process and suppressing natural expression as we try hard to be brave and courageous as we endure.  We want to hurry it along so we aren’t a burden or a drag.

Healing is hampered by resisting the process and suppressing natural expression as we try hard to be brave and courageous as we endure.  We want to hurry it along so we aren’t a burden or a drag. It’s realizing that it’s best to go with the flow.

It’s realizing that it’s best to go with the flow. Healing is done with the ability to remember, without anguish, the joy and disappoints of the lost relationship, a wholehearted return to regular activities and energy into a new life.  One moves from getting through the day” to a turn in the road where laughter returns and perspective includes others.  It’s the return of the ability to look forward to life ahead.

Healing is done with the ability to remember, without anguish, the joy and disappoints of the lost relationship, a wholehearted return to regular activities and energy into a new life.  One moves from getting through the day” to a turn in the road where laughter returns and perspective includes others.  It’s the return of the ability to look forward to life ahead.   Grief is a test that can cultivate a sense of self-sufficiency, an increase in self-trust and worth, a show of courage and grit that prepares us for independent life ahead.

Grief is a test that can cultivate a sense of self-sufficiency, an increase in self-trust and worth, a show of courage and grit that prepares us for independent life ahead.

Resources:

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

“When a Spouse Dies, What I didn’t Know about helping myself and others through grief,” by Barbara R Wheeler, DSW, Plain Sight Publishing, 2012.

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Compassion for Your Grieving Self

Intellectually knowing about grief might aid the process of healing. Knowledge and awareness can diminish some anxiety.  It can be useful to know something about the process of grief in anticipation of challenges of loss in life ahead.   It provides an understanding that fosters hope that the pain of loss will lead to transformation to a new way of being.

Researcher and author, Bill Bridges (Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes) note that a successful new beginning requires more than simply persevering.  It requires understanding external signs and internal signals that point the way to the future.

As friends and family we can’t fix, change or hurry the grieving process. We can accompany, support and sincerely attempt to understand the difficult journey experienced.

As friends and family we can’t fix, change or hurry the grieving process. We can accompany, support and sincerely attempt to understand the difficult journey experienced.Loss, whatever its nature or degree, is impossible to escape in life.  And

Loss, whatever its nature or degree, is impossible to escape in life.  And the loss will most likely bring grief. Grief is a force, a gradual process of helping us accept a devastating loss. It is the way the psyche heals itself.  It is the healing of a wound to the fabric of our being.  It’s an impaired sense of self:  intellect, emotions, physical, social.

Grief is a force, a gradual process of helping us accept a devastating loss. It is the way the psyche heals itself.  It is the healing of a wound to the fabric of our being.  It’s an impaired sense of self:  intellect, emotions, physical, social.

Grief is a common and normal reaction for all of us, yet each person will have his or her own manner of responding.  We are all similar in different ways. Grief plays out over time.  It ebbs and flows at its own rhythm.  Saying goodbye takes time.  Perhaps the most consoling fact is that grief is “

Grief plays out over time.  It ebbs and flows at its own rhythm.  Saying goodbye takes time.  Perhaps the most consoling fact is that grief is “time-limited”.  The time is different for each of us.  It’s possible to survive and also grow through loss.  The impulse to grow is as strong as the impulse to survive.

“If There’s Anything I Can Do…How to Help Someone who has been Bereaved” by Caroline Doughty, White Ladder Press, Britain, 2007 (insight and suggestions for helping widows with young children)

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.

“Transitions, Making sense of life’s changes” by William Bridges, Lifelong books, 2004.

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Beginnings, Endings, Loss

As social beings, our very existence depends on attachment to others. Every human relationship is destined to end in loss. Entrances and exits are an integral part of life. School friends move away. Colleagues come and go. Family and friends relocate from our immediate world. Even pets, large and small are a testing of these principles.

Endings are the price paid for having beginnings. Except for the loss of one’s own life, the death of a loved one is the ultimate loss. Growth and maturity happens as we learn from each experience of attachment and loss.

Grief is the price we pay for love” Queen Elizabeth II (2001)

“The Art of Condolence, what to write, what to say, what to do at a time of loss” by Leonard Zunin, MD and Hilary Stanton Zunin, Harper Collins Publishers, 1991.